


My Scars Prove My Love for You

by TheZaffreSilverfish



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: First work - Freeform, Happy Ending, How Do I Tag, M/M, Mentions Of Infidelity, Should have put that in..., Suicide, Very Harsh Insults, Wasn't kidding about the Major Character Death, suicide ideation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-10
Updated: 2018-10-10
Packaged: 2019-07-29 06:32:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16258631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheZaffreSilverfish/pseuds/TheZaffreSilverfish
Summary: Axel and Roxas have been together for a long time, but if Roxas leaves, what happens to Axel?This work contains suicide ideation and the followthrough, please do not read this if it will bother you. It was written in a dark place.





	My Scars Prove My Love for You

**Author's Note:**

> Hello all! This is my first posted work ever. I actually wrote this about four years ago, maybe five. I've edited it over the years and I still really like it, so I decided to post it. Be warned that this is a very dark story, Axel ain't in a good headspace for most of this, so be prepared. Having said that it does end happily, if not realistically. I couldn't bear the original ending.
> 
> Enjoy, let me know what you think!

**Axel**

I knew it. As soon as I woke up and the other side of the bed was empty, I knew it. The only thing worth keeping around in my life, the only person who hadn't left me, was gone, with only a note on the kitchen counter.

_'Axel'_ it read,  
_'Who knows when you'll bother to read this, but know that today, the day I'm writing this, is August 13th. Do you even know what that day is anymore? When you first took the new job it was the opportunity of a lifetime, or so you told me. And for a while, it was, until you insisted we didn't need the second paycheck anymore and I quit my job to go to college. From there your "opportunity" turned into me never seeing you and you getting up at four a.m. to go to work and not coming home until midnight. You stopped remembering dates, days of the week, and there were days on end where I didn't talk to you because I never saw you. Did you think I wouldn't figure it out? I called your boss last week and he was very confused. He said not once had your hours ever changed, and you'd never needed to take overtime hours because you got your work done during your shift. The only conclusion I'm able to draw is you picked up another pastime and have forgotten about the man you sleep next to in your apartment, whom you swore you loved. Remember when I mentioned the date earlier? August 13th? I bet you don't remember today's our three year anniversary, and its been nearly an entire year since all your "overtime" started. So I hope whoever you replaced me with will stick around Axel, because after an entire year of dealing with not seeing you I can't handle it anymore. You won't find me, and I don't want you to, because I don't love you anymore, and I haven't for longer than I thought._  
_'Roxas'_

For a moment I stared incomprehensibly at the paper in my hands. When the words sank in, droplets fell onto the neat handwriting, blurring the blue ink ever so slightly. While its true I never got to see Roxas awake anymore it wasn't because I had begun an affair. I loved Roxas to the ends of the Earth, so much so that, as well as the job I had gotten eighteen months ago that was opportunity of a lifetime, I had gotten another job on top of that so that Roxas wouldn't have to work. I hated seeing how stressed he always was whenever he got home so I did the only thing I could, and worked every night as a security guard from when my day job let off at five until midnight, and then to do the early shift from four-thirty to eight-thirty whenever I had to get to my full-time job at nine. I also worked another job for the same hours- four-thirty a.m. to midnight- at a not so legal but nicely paying security job on the weekends. I had planned to save up enough money to where neither of us would ever have to work again and we could spend our lives how we wanted to. I was exactly three months of paychecks shy of my goal-- 13.8 million dollars in a secure bank account. They were our lucky numbers after all.

But of all things I had missed this year I hadn't forgotten Roxas' and mine's three year anniversary, and had requested the day off from my jobs so that I could explain everything to the love of my life, and ask him to wait the three more months before I had enough money to quit.

Just my luck today was the day he snapped and left.

I sat and cried for hours, rereading the note over and over to make sure I hadn't missed anything, cursing my stupidity and wishing for him to come back for just five minutes so I could explain everything and have him realize that he didn't stop loving me.

But it never happened.

Instead, around noon when I heard the door open and rushed from the kitchen it wasn't my lovely blonde come back to me. It was his twin brother Sora.

"Axel. I didn't expect you to be here. Don't you have work." It wasn't a question, it was a statement, frigid and filled with contempt.

"I... I took the day off. I know what day it is, Sora." I whispered, staring at my feet.

"Good. Then this will hurt even more for you won't it. I've had to be Roxas' shoulder to cry on for the last year because you haven't been there for him. You've been off chasing some ass-"

"I have not!" I cried indignantly, but Sora wouldn't let me continue.

"You have so! Explain where else you've been if you haven't been off having an affair with some other guy! You missed Roxas' birthday, the death of our cousin in a traffic accident, Christmas, Thanksgiving-- everything! Claiming to be working when instead you went and got yourself a mistress! Why did you do it, Axel? Was Roxas not enough? Do you even love him? He sure loved you, and how do you repay him? By stomping all over that love by having an affair. Roxas isn't ever going to come back to you, and I won't tell you where he is either. You're a disgusting piece of shit, Axel Sinclair, and that comes from Roxas personally."

Sora's words left me stunned. Roxas, my amazing, wonderful, love-of-my-life thought I was a disgusting piece of shit? If he did... I suppose it must be true. I did essentially abandon him, what else was he to think?

I didn't try to put up a fight when Sora gathered Roxas' things. I sat right where I had stopped in the entryway, again staring at the note without seeing it. The only thing in this world I cared about now thought I was a disgusting piece of shit.

As Sora came by with the last bag, I stopped him.

"What else did he say about me?" I asked in a flat voice. I had to know what he really thought of me.

"Where to begin?" Sora spat venomously. "For one thing he called you a rotten liar, and said you should go to hell. You're an asshole that shouldn't be allowed to exist, a filthy stain in his life. He regrets ever meeting you and wishes he could have gone back in time and told himself what a lying bastard you are. He doesn't love you anymore, you waste of space. You're a cold heartless bastard without the decency to be honest and come clean or at the very least break up with him. Fucking useless douchebag, you should crawl into a hole and die."

And with that Sora tossed Roxas' key onto the floor in front of me and walked out before I could even look up to defend myself, not that I was sure I could.

\----

I don't know how I managed to get through the next three months. The world without Roxas was flat and dull, and every beat of my heart was agony in my chest. I barely slept, I barely ate. I didn't talk unless it was necessary, and when the time finally came to gather my last paychecks I left with a final 'thank you' to every boss and a sympathetic look from the teller at the bank depositing those paychecks. Then I had a meeting with a lawyer to finalize my will, and with the extra money that didn't add up perfectly to my target bank balance, I went and bought a nice gun with hollow-point bullets. The guy looked unwilling to sell it to me until I suggested taking my business elsewhere.

If I meant less than nothing to the only person left in my life who mattered, then I wouldn't waste the time trying to find a new reason for living, because I knew there never would be. Roxas was simply my everything, without him there was nothing.

We'd gotten together a few years after high school, but we'd been friends forever. I'd always had someone to go to when I couldn't go home, someone to make my laugh when all I wanted was to cry and scream and burn something. My mother had always been sick, and my dad and I couldn't handle the quiet when she was gone. Dad killed himself on Mother's Day the year we graduated, and Roxas just let me cry on him for hours.

I used to think that nothing could ever split us apart. I should have known that I was depending on him too much, and that the stress of having to hold me up, combined with never seeing me, would be enough to turn his feelings into hate.

Maybe Roxas had never loved me, maybe he only pitied me and finally got to the point where he couldn't stand to be around someone like me. If that was the case I was glad he was gone. Now he didn't have to spend his days in agony, a burden I was more than happy to bear if it meant he could be happy.

When I returned to the empty and dusty apartment I spent a few hours cleaning it and making sure everything looked nice before reading over my own letter to Roxas one last time. Careful not to cry on the paper I sealed it in its envelope addressed with Roxas' full name and phone number telling someone to contact him when I was found, and spread the plastic drop cloth over everything I feared may get bloody. Didn't want to make extra effort for the landlord trying to turn my apartment.

As I stared at the gun in my hand every fiber of my being was sure of my decision. This was right, this is what had to be done. Roxas couldn't be happy unless I was gone completely.

Lifting the barrel to my chest and taking a breath, I whispered out into the air.

"I'm sorry to the poor souls who have to find me. Roxas I have loved you since the day I met you, and I'm so sorry for everything."

With that, I pulled the trigger, and the massive sound made my eardrums rupture. I yelled out in the worst pain imaginable as I felt the bullet rip through me, and I fell backwards, what little air I had left forming a scream. Now I was truly heartless, just as Roxas said. And now I would never see him again.

\----  
**Third Person**

A gunshot and a bloodcurdling scream was all anyone heard from apartment 3-C that afternoon. The old lady in 3-B made the call to the police, and Axel Lea Sinclair was declared dead by obvious suicide ten minutes later. The boy named Roxas Strife was telephoned five minutes later.

Roxas had never stopped loving Axel, of course he hadn't. He'd only said it in sadness and frustration, hoping the redhead would fix his ways and come chasing after the blonde, the way he always had before. He never expected to be called by an unknown number and have a somber voice tell him the love of his life had committed suicide and to come down to the police station as soon as he could.

Sora drove, and both brothers cried. Sora only said what he had the last time he saw Axel because he was furious at him for hurting his twin, and hadn't expected the redhead to listen when the brunette angrily told him to 'just die'. Axel had always been stronger than that, everyone thought he would see the light and fight to get Roxas back. To say they were distraught would have been an understatement.

"I kept thinking it was weird... Axel said he's taken the day off work... But why would he have done that if he had... someone else?" Sora asked to no one really, pausing here and there to sniff. It only made Roxas cry harder.

"I... I must have misunderstood... Maybe... Maybe he got another job on top of the one he worked... I remember seeing another uniform in the closet... Why did he... Why did he not say anything?"

When the two arrived at the police station a kind-looking female officer greeted them.

"Roxas and Sora Strife? Come with me, Detective Leonheart would like to speak with you. Do you two need anything, a hug maybe?" The officer smiled sadly and warmly, and opened her arms. Roxas clung to the woman and sobbed, Sora clinging to his blonde twin.

"Its... all... my fault!" Roxas sobbed. "I never... should've... left him!"

For a while the officer- who's name was Aerith- comforted the two boys before leading them back to where Detective Leonheart waited for them. He was the somber voiced man who had made the phone call to Roxas in the first place.

"If you wouldn't mind, would you happen to know why Mr. Sinclair would have wanted to commit suicide?" The detective asked gently.

"He... he was working odd hours and I... I thought he had been ch-cheating on me, so I broke up with A-Axel. I thought... I thought he would dump the guy and try and get me back, but I didn't hear anything from him until you called earlier to tell me... to tell me he was gone." At this Roxas broke down again, a somber and still wet-cheeked Sora hugging him tightly.

Sora decided to speak up as well. "I also said some really cruel things to Axel. I was mad at him for treating my brother so badly and so I said some really hateful stuff hoping he would fix this and get Roxas back because I knew how much Rox loved him, and I guess he took what I said to heart and... Oh I'm so sorry Roxas this is my fault!" And with that Sora was in tears again as well.

Detective Leonheart slid the envelope addressed to Roxas in Axel's bold loopy writing, and wiped a tear of his own away before the boys noticed. "This is how we knew to contact you, Roxas. It was on the entryway table."

After Roxas had calmed down enough to see properly he ripped open the envelope and pulled out the handwritten letter inside.

_'Roxas,_  
'I know as of late I have been the world's most horrible boyfriend, but I want you to know it wasn't because I was cheating on you. Hell, I wouldn't have had the time even if the thought ever crossed my mind that I was less than blissfully happy with you. The boss at my full-time job wasn't lying though, I never had to take overtime to get my work done there. I think he was secretly proud of that, though, as I was the only one who never did. As for missing holidays (including your birthday) I am so incredibly sorry. At the time I thought it was for the greater good to work those days because it was all overtime then and I'd get paid more, but I understand now just how profound missing those days was to you. As Sora might have told you, I did take the day off for our anniversary, hoping to explain everything in person. But now I guess I really fucked that one up huh?  
'You see Rox, for the past year I've been working not just one job, but three. The idea came to me a few days before our anniversary last year. How amazing would it be if I was able to earn enough money so that you never had to work again? I could see how much your job stressed you out, and I hated seeing that tired look on your face. To me it meant that I wasn't keeping my promise to you, to always make you happy. I never wanted you to be anything but happy for as long as you lived, though now I can see that the easiest way to do that would have been to do this a long time ago. Anyway, this isn't about me, it's about you. At the time I figured you could quit your job, but it would mean a lot more work for me. But you know, it didn't matter, you're much too important to me.  
'So I applied for two more jobs, working as much as I could. Both were security guard jobs that paid well because one was the graveyard shift at a very upscale art gallery, and one was... Well it's a little shady but I worked the typical hours I held during the week- 4:30 to midnight- and it paid really good. Of course, it instantly created problems, as I had no time to see you. But I knew if I kept working and you had enough faith in me to stick around until our anniversary- which I knew I was going to take off work- I would have a whole day to explain everything and hope you'd stick with me three more months. Until today, actually.  
'I worked up until I had our lucky numbers, Rox. Exactly 13.8 million dollars. Told you that last one paid really good. But we hit a little snag. You understandably fell out of love for me- if you really ever were in the first place and not just taking pity on me- and being the person I know you to be, suspected me of cheating. I don't blame you for it, I would have thought the same thing. You left right when I was going to tell you everything. I was counting my lucky stars you were there when I got home the night before, and if you'd looked there was a crap-ton of ice cream in the freezer for the next day.  
'But when I woke up, you were gone, and I spent hours berating myself for not telling you sooner. I wanted you to be so shocked at how close I was to the goal, 11.9 million as of the twelfth of August when I deposited my paychecks before going to the next job. I'd forgotten to tell you sometime around April I'd gotten a promotion at the full-time and they raised my salary decently. Sorry. Anyway, when Sora came to the apartment I was hoping against all odds it would be you and I could still tell you everything just like I had planned, but then it wasn't you. Of course, I wasn't angry at Sora, even for the things he said. Because, they're true aren't they? You fell out of love with me, I can understand that. I wouldn't love me either, and I don't. Not for the way I've acted for the past fifteen months. Its no wonder you thought I was cheating on you, so I don't blame you, I'm not even mad at you. I'm extremely angry with myself for letting someone like you slip away, the one person I'd give everything for and expect nothing in return.  
'So take it. Everything I have is left to you, I made sure of it today. Every penny of the money, everything I have, all the love in the world I had to offer, its always been yours, and it always will be, even if you don't want it. I don't expect you to magically love me again after reading this, and I don't want you to either. There's nothing I have that warrants you sticking around, its not like anyone else did either. And you know what, I'm okay with that. I've accepted that all I'll ever be to you is the one who set you up for life, someone you used to be friends with, _and now hate. I won't ask for forgiveness, because I know I don't deserve it. All I am is a horrible man in love, and that's all I will be until the minute I pull the trigger. And don't worry, I'm sure dying hurts more than anything in the world, but I'd gladly die as many times as I need to if it makes you happy. I love you so very much Roxas, and I have since the moment I met you._  
' _Always_ ,  
' _Axel_  
_'P.S. The account number is XXXX XXXX XXXX XXXX and the pin is XXXX.'_

Roxas couldn't speak afterwards, he didn't sob once through the whole letter, but tears never stopped flowing either.

He remained silent as Officer Aerith drove the boys home, deeming them in no condition to drive.

He remained silent as he laid on his bed, having run out of tears to cry.

Eventually, Roxas drifted off to sleep, and dreamt of an empty beach, where he sat alone and stared at the ocean. It was cloudy.

"Didn't expect to see you, Rox. I woulda thought you'd be out celebrating your inheritance by now." Axel's voice drew nearer, and the redhead sat beside the blonde on the sand. "Why are you here? You shouldn't be."

Roxas didn't say anything, but a single tear tracked its way down his cheek. Axel's warm fingers stretched out to catch it.

"That can't be for me." He said, flicking the salty tear away. "I'm not important enough to cry about, Rox."

"You are." The blonde murmured, his voice cracking. "Don't you get it, Ax? You're gone, and I don't ever get you back."

"Why would you need me anyway? It's not like I'm special. Wake up Rox, go live your life. Date someone, get married, be happy." Axel paused for a moment. "Damn, knew I forgot something. I was gonna tell you I was planning to propose that night, once I'd explained. The ring was in my bedside table. You can sell it, it's not like it matters."

Roxas couldn't believe how Axel could be so flippant about the entire thing. Didn't he understand how much Roxas loved him?

"Don't you get it Ax?" Roxas turned and looked at the love of his life. "What I wrote wasn't true. I've always loved you, and I always will. I didn't want to be the one you came home to after screwing someone else anymore, so I left and said harsh things hoping you'd chase after me and tell me you loved me like always. I was staying with Sora the whole time, waiting for you to come bursting through the door calling for me like you always used to. I never wanted you... gone," here Roxas shed more tears, "I just wanted you back. I didn't want you to use me anymore. I never knew... just staying another hour meant I wouldn't have lost you."

Axel was stunned. Roxas... loved him.

Sora's words when he came in to get Roxas' things, Roxas' last line in the note. Roxas really had loved him, and would have stayed. If Axel had been more belligerent, refusing to let Sora leave until he understood, they could have gone together and salvaged everything. Axel would still be alive, but he was a coward, afraid to learn that Roxas never loved him. And now he was dead.

"Oh god what have I done." Axel began to panic. "No, no, no, this wasn't how it was supposed to be. You were supposed to hate me, wish me good riddance and never come back! I was okay with that, I didn't want to live in a world where Roxas didn't love me, but that world never existed in the first place. I should've chased Sora, tried harder, gotten you back, told you everything. And now I'm dead and I can't come back, can't come back because I put a hollow-point in my chest like a fucking dumbass! I ruined the best thing I ever had because I was a coward and didn't try hard enough to get you back. I didn't tell you I loved you enough, I wasn't around for you, and I didn't apologize like I should have. I took the cowards' way out and now I'm going to regret it for eternity because everyone who commits suicide is eternally damned and this is the last chance I have to even see Roxas again because there's no way he could be damned and I wouldn't ever want that! Oh why did I have to pull the trigger?!" Axel collapsed into sobs and Roxas flung his arms around the redhead as he kept repeating "I'm sorry," over and over into the blonde's shoulder.

It took hours for the pair to finally calm down, and after a while they were merely basking in the comfort of the other. Axel laid a gentle hand on Roxas' face, not wanting to pull away.

"It's almost time for me to go." He said, his voice filled to the brim with regret and sorrow. "I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to make this sad."

"No!" Roxas shouted, wrapping his arms around the redhead as if his hug would somehow keep Axel on that beach with him. "You can't leave me! Please, is there any way to make you stay with me? I can't loose you, I won't loose you Axel! Please you have to stay with me!"

"There is a way." Another voice said, from behind the pair. They both turned with wide eyes.

It was a girl, no older than twelve, with long white blonde hair and periwinkle eyes.

"If you really want him to stay with you I can make it happen. I am a spirit that has lived many thousands of years, waiting for the right person to save. I will disappear in Axel's place, and he will carry on his human life and die in the same minute as you Roxas. It will be as if the gunshot had not stopped his heart, but there will always be a scar from where it entered and exited. The doctors will have saved him, and he will be in no danger." The girl said.

"You would do this for us?" Axel whispered in awe.

"Of course. I truly have no one, and never have. This is my purpose, why would I not fulfill it? It would be an honor to restore such a beautiful life, Axel. You love more deeply than anyone I've seen in a long time, such love shouldn't be wasted on damnation. Roxas, take care of him, okay? He's bound to make a lot of stupid decisions for you."

Roxas nodded, and everything went white.

\----  
**Axel**

When I opened my eyes, I was in a dark hospital room. Roxas was blearily blinking open his eyes from the edge of the bed where his head had been rested.

"I'm so glad you're here." Roxas said, holding my hard and stroking the back of it with his fingers. "Don't ever go away again, okay? I don't think I can handle it. I've gone through you dying once, I don't ever want to do it again."

"I won't." I said softly, "I don't have a reason to." My voice felt scratchy, but I didn't care. My whole body felt awful, even through the haze of medication, but I would never complain. Not while I was here with him, and death was a misty nightmare I'd gotten to wake up from.

"But it was nice of that girl to give me new memories of what happened." Roxas continued softly. "They found you miraculously alive and performed a great deal of surgery in the ambulance to hold you over, then did a wonderful job of repairing your lungs and grafting skin and muscle to help start the healing. The detective who found you called me escorting the ambulance and I was waiting when they brought you in. Its about four a.m."

I chuckled, squeezing his hand in mine.

"Damn I should be getting up for work right about now." I told him, smiling weakly.

"You'd better not, your last day was yesterday remember?" His relieved smile turned wry, and he brushed a hand over my hair.

"Thats right. Did you read the letter?" I regret some of the things I'd written in it, and almost wished he hadn't so I could explain everything without so much melodrama.

"In both sets of memories." He says, and I can see the sadness in his eyes. "I'm sorry I drove you to write that. I never meant for you to be so distraught. I thought you would get angry and yell at me and tell me I was an idiot."

"Rox..." I trailed, not knowing exactly how to respond.

"None of this is your fault, and while I'll own up to the blame I promise not to let it destroy me. I want to be here with you, always. Besides, don't we have a fortune to use?" He laughed softly, tears gathering in his eyes.

Despite the pain, I reached over and kissed him gently.

"And before you can ask, yes I'll marry you. I took the liberty of finding the ring while you were in surgery." Roxas held up his hand to show me. The band fit him perfectly, and I felt tears in my own eyes.

"There are no words for how happy I am, Roxas. I love you so much." I told him, smiling so hard it felt like my face was going to split apart.

"I love you too Ax." His blue eyes flashed with annoyance and he lightly punched me in the shoulder. "And if you ever decide to do something without talking to me about it first I'm gonna kill you again myself and no spirit is going to save you then!"

"I knew there was a reason I loved you, Rox." I smirked. "You're always so kind and loving to me. Now c'mon, lets go back to sleep for a while. Haven't slept in in a long time and I wanna enjoy it."

With some careful maneuvering and slight breaking of hospital rules, I got Roxas comfortably cradled into my arms, his head tucked into my shoulder. We talked softly for a long time even though we were both very near sleep, making up for some of the lost time. We planned what to do with the money, how we were going to explain my behavior to Roxas' parents, anything we thought about before eventually Roxas drifted to sleep.

I laid awake for a while longer, reveling in the feel of holding him. It felt so amazing to be with him again, and I knew it would take the rest of our lives for me to ever thing I'd gotten used to it. I fell asleep with my nose pressed into Roxas' hair, dreaming about the life we would build.

The scars on my chest from my suicide attempt never really softened and faded like scars are wont to do. I couldn't bring myself to be disgusted at them, though. They were my reminder that I got a second chance when not many others ever had. They were also my reminder to live my life to the fullest, spending every day doing something new with Roxas.

I could've gotten a lot worse than just scars, after all.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading this! Like I said earlier this was a combination of about five years worth of work, which probably doesn't mean much but I like it.
> 
> Wonder if I've got anything else? I currently have one more "one shot" in the works, but it's for a different fandom. I do have plenty to add to the Kingdom Hearts (and the Axel/Roxas) tag, so if you like my style keep your eyes peeled!


End file.
